The week of September 11th was a rough one in the Ham Home. Luke was in a serious car accident, where his car was totaled and just three days later we found out our rental house was being sold and we had to be out within three weeks. To lose a (paid for and sentimental) car and our beloved farmhouse all in one week was absolutely heart-breaking, I will not sugar-coat it.
There are so many unknowns. We are not in the position to buy a house as Luke graduates in less than 6 months and we don’t know where we will be after he graduates. It would just not be financially smart to buy a home that we weren’t sure we could live in for long. Also, we don’t feel comfortable throwing money out the window towards an apartment (which, apartments in Rock Hill don’t really sign 6 month leases anyway!) when we could be saving all the extra money for a larger down payment on a house. So, for this short and sweet little season … we will be calling mama and daddy Cooper our “roomies.”
But believe it or not, we are a-okay! I think the Lord has been preparing my heart without me even knowing for this season for a long time.
I look back on my journal from July 3rd, 2017 and it says – “Lord, I know I have been holding on so tightly to my plans, for example – paying off pharmacy school debt quickly, having things look just right in my home, Luke finding the perfect job, deciding when to have a baby, etc. These plans feel safe and good and logical – but your plans – Lord, I know they are better. My flesh fights it, but I do want your ways over mine.”
I am a control freak, I tend to take most everything into my own hands, I am anxious, and I (ashamedly so) can easily find parts of my value in my material things when my eyes and heart are not fixed on Jesus. This is just the plain truth, y’all – areas of sin within my life that I have begged the Lord to expose and make me hate. He has been growing me in these areas for some time and now I feel completely bare before him (as if I wasn’t before…silly me), nothing material within my possession to boast of. Simply me – the good, bad, and ugly – and He still knows me and loves me and will use me just as He did when we had two cars and a house. I know that with all of my heart. Our God is good and faithful and true. We can always trust Him and He is always sufficient.
I am not saying any of this to say that I think the Lord took away our house and our car to punish my material longings, pride, etc – I am simply saying that I am at peace with this unknown season before us. And all I can say is thank you Lord, because every part of my flesh hates change, hates the unknown, hates not being in control, etc. etc…but there is an easiness in my heart that I can say with certainty is Jesus – once again drawing me close and reminding me – “Caroline, I am enough.”
Although my pride hurts a little knowing the next few months will be spent under my parent’s roof again, I am letting gratitude overwhelm the pride. Because, how blessed are we that we have family who lovingly and excitedly opens their arms and their house to us? How gracious is God that He is giving us a safe place to land while we figure out what’s next for us as there are so many decisions to be made as May draws closer. How loving is He that He spared Luke’s life on September 14th and that our whole family is alive and well and together. I am trusting that when I look back on this time a year from now, I won’t remember the adjustments, arguments, and uncertainty – but the laughter, the memories, and the lessons learned along the way.
“When we lean into our doubts, seeking truth where we feel restless and unsure, God leads us to greater faith, and sometimes to unexpected new paths.” – Lara Casey, Cultivate
We are choosing to trust our mighty God, the writer of our story, with this unexpected new path.